Beautiful Disaster
by vagleefan
Summary: Rachel was excited to finally start the life with Finn in New York she so desperately craved, however adjusting to life after a military injury and in such a large city proves to be more than Finn may be able to handle.
1. Chapter 1

**This idea has been swirling in my head for a little while, so I think I'm going to let my muse take over & see where it goes. Thank you so much to all of my faithful readers, especially those that read my stories no matter what the pairing is. I love you all for being so open-minded. Enjoy!**

_There's a possibility_

_There's a possibility_

_All that I had was all I'm gonn' get_

Finn ran his hand through his hair, letting out a heavy breath as he did. He leaned against the counter for support, fearing his legs would give out on him at any minute. His stomach churned almost as much as his heart ached. And not just any ache; it physically ached as if someone was squeezing it in the palm of their hand.

He looked around the tiny apartment. The apartment he and Rachel had been sharing for the last six months. The apartment that Rachel was so meticulous about finding after Finn moved to New York. She had hated to leave the warehouse space she shared with Kurt and Santana, but there clearly wasn't enough space for all four of them. They had made sure to find an affordable place close to their friends, which in New York wasn't easy.

There were dirty dishes in sink. A butter knife and small plate sat at the top of the small pile. The last thing Rachel had eaten the morning before. Lately he couldn't remember much, but he vividly remembered her spreading the strawberry jam on her wheat toast, carefully cutting it into fours before pouring her morning cup of coffee into her favorite mug just a day earlier.

His eyes darted to the counter surrounding the sink and then back to the sink. Her favorite mug was gone. He stumbled over to the sink, opening up a cabinet to the left. He rooted through the plastic cups and glasses, some even spilling out onto the counter rather loudly. He disregarded the mess he just made instead opening the cabinet on the other side of the sink. He frantically searched for the mug, but came up empty handed. It was really gone.

Twisting around, he surveyed the apartment or better yet what was left of it. Clothes were strewn over the couch, all of them his. Empty beer bottles littered the floor next to his favorite recliner, the one Rachel had wrinkled her nose up at and tried to convince him wouldn't coordinate with their existing furniture when they found it in a second-hand store several months earlier. He had somehow talked her into letting him get it and there hadn't been a Sunday he wasn't sorry. Lounging in that chair, drinking a beer and watching football had been one of his favorite pastimes. _Had been. _

Everything seemed to be in the past tense now. He scratched his head as he walked over to the couch, tossing a pair of jeans and a couple of shirts out of the way. He sank into the soft cushions, leaning his head back, staring up at the ceiling. His cell phone vibrated in his pocket, but he ignored it. He didn't feel like talking to anyone right now.

A white piece of paper caught his attention on the coffee table, peeking out beneath a red WMHS sweatshirt. Leaning forward, he carefully tugged on the paper, the swirly silver writing coming into view as he pulled on it harder. He held it out in front of him, his eyes carefully reading the words. In all honesty, he didn't even need to pretend to read the words. He knew them by heart. Rachel had forced him to help her and Kurt stuff envelopes one gloomy Thursday evening.

**As we shall become one**

**to share all the days of our lives…**

**Mr. and Mr. Leroy and Hiram Berry**

**request the honor of your presence**

**at the marriage of their daughter,**

**Rachel Barbra Berry**

**to**

**Finn Christopher Hudson**

**on the sixth of April**

**two thousand thirteen**

**at four o'clock in the afternoon**

Finn felt his cellphone vibrate again. Disgusted, he let the paper fall slowly to the floor as he stretched out his legs, digging in his left pocket for his phone. Without bothering to see who was calling, he tapped the screen to accept the call.

"What?" He growled.

"Is that anyway to talk to your brother?" He sighed when he heard Kurt's voice.

"What do you want Kurt?" He was in no mood to play these games.

"I've tried calling you a dozen times today." Finn could hear Kurt's voice rising. "Your mother is so worried about you."

"I wish people would stop worrying about me already." He hoped his tone was coming across as pissed more so than irritated.

"It's kind of hard not to." Kurt's tone became more serious. "No matter what has happened, you're still family."

"Hmmm." Finn said a bit too sarcastically. He could hear a bit of shuffling on Kurt's end.

"Geez Finn, do you think you could have an ounce of compassion for the people in your life?" Kurt was practically screaming into the phone. With a shaky hand, Finn moved the phone away from his ear and the piercing sounds of his brother's voice. He switched the phone into his other hand, his right hand becoming too unstable to hold it properly. He involuntarily began shaking his right knee as well. He knew what was coming next and he needed to get off the phone with Kurt before it did.

"I don't need to hear this right now, Kurt." Finn slid his right hand under his trembling right leg, hoping to keep his unsteady limbs at bay for just a few more minutes.

"You don't need to hear this right now? _You _don't need to hear this?" Kurt laughed mockingly.

"I told you I don't need this shit." Finn spat, leaning forward on the couch as his other leg began to tremble. The air around him was getting thin, a small bead of sweat forming at his brow.

"Well I know what you _do_ need." His brother's tone was more forceful. "You need to get your act together before…"

Finn cut him off.

"Before what?" Finn asked. "Before I lose everything?"

"Yes, Finn." Kurt deadpanned, his voice becoming softer. "Before you lose everything."

"I already have." Finn hung up the phone before his brother could say another word. Leaping from the couch, Finn practically ran to the bedroom. He yanked open the drawer next to the side of the bed he usually slept on. He rifled through the contents, throwing most of them on the floor until he found what he was looking for.

The bottle felt light, he knew he was almost out of the one thing that could make all of this better. He raced into the bathroom, turning on the faucet quickly. Snapping off the lid, he tossed two small pills into his mouth and with a scoop of water in his palm, he washed them both down, then slid to the floor in defeat.

**Well? What do you think? I appreciate and welcome all reviews…it's what keeps me going. I'll credit the song at the end of the story, since I'll be using it in every chapter.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Again, I can't thank you enough for the story alerts and reviews. I will try to update this story as quickly as possible, but to be honest, I don't write ahead…I write each chapter when the mood strikes and sometimes instead of powering through a writer's block and giving you a crappy chapter, I just wait it out. So please be patient. Sadly, I don't own Glee or the characters, I only wish I did! Enjoy…**

_There's a possibility_

_There's a possibility_

_All I'm gonna get is gone with your stare_

_All I'm gonna get is gone with your stare_

_Six months earlier_

"Please tell me this is the last box." Kurt heaved as he struggled with an oversized box at the top of the stairs. Rachel grabbed the other side, walking backwards towards what was now hers and Finn's kitchen. She smiled at the thought, as Kurt helped her set the box next to the tiny table where she and Finn would share their meals. Finally, they were both in New York and finally, they would be living together. She had to admit that just a month ago, she was unsure whether they would even stay a couple, let alone share an apartment together.

"There is no way you had this much stuff in our loft, dwarf." Santana frowned, carrying a small lamp in, kicking the door shut behind her. "Hummel and I better not be missing anything when we go back."

Rachel playfully swatted her friend's arm. She was used to Santana's barrage of names for her, the Latina always insisting she only teases those she cares about. Rachel knew she would miss living with Kurt and Santana, but she was more than excited and ready for her and Finn to begin a life of their own. Looking around the small apartment, Rachel noticed Finn hadn't come up with them. She threw open the door, peeking down the stairs. Finn was seated at the bottom of the steps, his left leg stretched out across the small hallway as he absentmindedly rubbed his thigh.

"Hey." She called out as she bounded down the stairs. Finn arched his neck back to look up at her.

"Need some help?" Rachel nodded her head towards the abandoned box sitting next to his foot. He looked back down at the box.

"No, I got it." He pressed his lips together before pushing himself up off the stairs, groaning slightly as he did.

"Is your leg giving you trouble?" She asked. Rachel caught him wincing slightly as he squatted to pick up the box.

"It's better now." He gave her a half smile when he stood up, but she knew he was lying. She could tell by the look on his face.

"I told you I thought living in a second floor apartment was too much for you right now." Rachel scolded him. Finn repositioned the box in his arms, resting it momentarily on his hip. Rachel stood on the second step from the bottom, which made her eye level with Finn as he stood directly in front of her.

"You worry too much." He leaned forward, placing a quick kiss on her lips before pushing past her to ascend the stairs. She watched him take slow, methodical steps, wondering if his thigh would ever heal properly.

She marched up behind him, the noise of Kurt and Santana bickering loud as she re-entered the apartment. Both were standing in the living room, Kurt holding the small lamp Santana had brought in. Santana was trying to snatch it from him, cursing aloud in Spanish as she did.

"What is going on?" Rachel asked. Finn dropped the box he was carrying and collapsed on the futon pushed up against a brick wall in the living room; his mom and Burt's contribution to the new apartment.

"I was trying to explain to Santana here that this lamp is much too modern for your bedroom and belongs in the living room." Kurt gasped as Santana snatched the lamp from him while he was talking.

"And I was trying to explain to Rainbow Bright that you two obviously don't have a style and it didn't matter where it went." Santana lunged her upper body at Kurt. He retreated, hands held up in protest as Rachel took the lamp from Santana. She carefully set it on a small table next to the futon before plopping down next to Finn.

"It's nice to see you two will still get along famously without me around to break up the disagreements." Rachel smiled.

"I give it a week." Finn laughed, eyeing his step brother as the young man pulled open a box and began pilfering through it. "Before they kill each other."

"Don't you guys worry about Hummel and I." Santana scooted over to where Kurt was standing, wrapping her arm around his shoulders. He turned around sheepishly, looking wide-eyed at Santana. "We'll be fine."

"Yeah, we'll be fine." Kurt wriggled from Santana's grasp.

"You guys can head out if you want." Rachel patted Finn's leg, smiling at him quickly before turning back to their friends. "We can unpack the rest."

"Are you sure? We can at least hel…" Kurt pointed to a box in the tiny kitchen before Santana threw her hand over his mouth.

"Call me tomorrow and let me know about lunch on Thursday." Santana winked. She freed her grip on Kurt's mouth, but not before he shot her a glaring look.

"But they still have all of the boxes left to unpack." Kurt whined. Santana shimmied up closer to him, leaning into his ear.

"They want to be _alone_." Santana whispered, putting emphasis on the last word. Kurt's eyes went wide, his mouth forming a small "o".

"Ok well, call us if you need anything else." Kurt grabbed Santana's arm as he stammered the words out. Within seconds both of them were gone.

"I thought they'd never leave." Finn leaned over to Rachel, burying his face into her hair. With his left hand, he brushed her hair aside, kissing her gently on the neck. She collapsed into a fit of giggles, wanting to enjoy it, but pushing him away lightly.

"I got rid of them, so we could unpack together." Finn ignored her protests, kissing a line all the way to her jaw.

"That sounds like _so_ much fun." Finn rolled his eyes before planting another kiss on her jawline. "How about we start in the bedroom?"

Rachel jumped up, grabbing his hand and pulling him from the futon. He winced slightly as he stood up straight, a shooting pain running from his thigh down to his knee. Rachel didn't seem to notice. She chuckled softly, kissing him quickly on the lips before racing off to the bedroom, which at the moment only contained a mattress on the floor and an array of boxes.

"Give me a minute." Finn called out, limping a little as he found his jacket lying on top of a box in the living room. He dug through the right pocket looking for the bottle of pills he had put in there earlier. Popping the lid off, he shook a lone pill out. Cupping it in his hands, he hobbled down the hall to the bathroom. The doctor had told him to take these as needed and he considered now a time of need. As he turned on the faucet, he silently wondered if his leg would ever be the same.

**A little fluffy I know, but now we must go back in time and find out the back story…everything prior to the first chapter. Tell me what you think! I appreciate all reviews, honestly I do.**


	3. Chapter 3

**So sorry for the** **delay my faithful readers; life has been hectic for me lately. I really do try and update this as often as I can, but my muse doesn't always cooperate. I'm probably the only one a little miffed that Glee played off Finn's injury as nothing more than a flesh wound just for story sake. A real gunshot wound would have consequence, hence the reason this story evolved. Enjoy!**

_So tell me when you hear my heart stop_

_You're the only one that knows_

_Tell me when you hear my silence_

_There's a possibility I wouldn't know_

Rachel ran her hand down Finn's stomach, moving ever so softly to his hip. Her fingers skimmed his left thigh, hovering over his scar. She brushed her fingertips gently over the angry mark, barely touching it. It was still a bit raw looking, despite the fact that it had been healing for the last several months. She never saw the wound when it was fresh, still bandaged, so she could only picture how it looked. It made her cringe to think of how painful it had been for him.

She watched him deal with the aftermath almost on a daily basis. Sure, some days were better than others, but despite Finn's ability to mask the pain, she knew it was there. Once a week he visited the VA hospital on East 23rd Street. They always put him through a gamut of physical therapy, followed by a psychological session, wanting to make sure the trauma of his gunshot wound would not permanently scar him. _Ha_, she thought as she continued to lightly touch his scar, _this looks like a permanent scar to me._

"Hey." Finn blinked his eyes open, sleep thick in his voice. Rachel's eyes met his, her fingers quickly withdrawing from his thigh.

"Good morning, sleepyhead." She smiled, reaching up to smooth down his messy hair before giving him a quick peck on the cheek.

"Looks like we got a lot of stuff unpacked last night." Finn raised his eyebrows, his trademark smirk flashing, as he looked at the pile of unopened boxes in the room.

"Well _someone_ distracted me." She grinned sheepishly, pulling the covers up higher over their still naked bodies.

"I didn't hear any protests." He laughed.

Rachel glanced at the clock, the bold numbers staring back at her as she realized she was late for Ms. July's dance class. She quickly kicked the sheet off her body, promptly kicking Finn in the process.

"Ouch, dammit Rachel." He pulled his legs to his chest, both hands on this left thigh.

"I'm sorry. So sorry." She huffed, pulling open boxes and throwing out clothes. "I'm late. Ms. July is going to have a fit."

"That's my fucking leg you just kicked." Finn growled. Rachel peered through the shirt she was putting over her head, eyes wide at Finn's response.

"I said I was sorry." She blinked several times, shoving her arms through the sleeves. Finn's eyes were dark as he glared at her. He tore the covers off him, easing his legs over the side of the mattress. Reaching for his boxers on the floor, he groaned loudly. Rachel rushed to his side, bending down to get his boxers for him.

"I don't need your help." Finn growled, snatching the boxers from her. She stood frozen as she watched him push himself off the mattress, carefully slipping his boxers on, his face twisted. She wasn't sure if it was anger or pain or perhaps both. He looked around for the clothes he had shed the night before. Realizing what he was looking for, Rachel grabbed his jeans from the floor, handing them to him slowly, a frown on her face.

"I didn't mean to hurt you, Finn." She whispered, flinching as he grabbed the jeans from her.

"Just go to class." He hobbled out of the room and into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Rachel felt defeated. She had never seen Finn so angry before. She picked up a pair of black tights she had thrown from the box earlier. She slipped them on quickly before grabbing her bag and a ponytail holder. She hesitated outside of the bathroom door on her way to the front door.

"Are you ok?" She waited, but there was no response. "Ok, well I'm leaving. I should be back around two."

"I've never seen him that angry." Rachel slowly sipped her coffee as she strolled next to Kurt, peering into shop windows as they walked towards her apartment. There was a slight brisk in the air, so Rachel was thankful for the warm coffee. In her haste to leave the apartment earlier she had forgotten to grab a jacket. Her late entrance in to Cassandra July's class had only made things worse. The shrew belittled her in front of everyone for being tardy, then banned her to the corner of the room, making her do pirouettes for a solid hour. Rachel had been so dizzy she thought she might pass out.

"Even worse than the chair kicking or Quinn's having Puck's baby incident at McKinley?" Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Or the time I redecorated our bedroom? Or the fight with Jesse at prom?"

"Ok Kurt, I get it. He's been angry before." Rachel rolled her eyes. "He's just never been so angry with me."

"Well you know Finn, he's never angry for long." Kurt shrugged, taking a sip of his hot chocolate.

"He just seems so up and down." Rachel sighed. Kurt stopped walking suddenly, turning to face Rachel. They were mere steps away from her apartment.

"Just give him some time to adjust." Kurt patted her shoulder with his left hand. "He's not a big city guy, remember? And all this therapy is probably a lot on him too."

Rachel could feel a lump forming in her throat. Kurt was right. She knew the city was overwhelming to Finn; he had made that clear to her from the beginning. And she knew it was tough on him trying to figure out what he wanted to do now that his Army career was over.

"Thanks Kurt." She kissed him quickly on the cheek, walking as fast as she could to her apartment. She hurried up the stairs two at a time, fumbling with her keys in the lock when she reached the top landing. She threw open the door, trying to catch her breath as she did. The apartment was quiet, too quiet.

"Finn?" She called out, closing the door softly behind her. It didn't take her long to spot the bouquet of flowers on their makeshift coffee table. She leaned over them, inhaling deeply as she picked up the card with her name on it. She fished it out of the envelope, fingers trembling ever so slightly.

_Rachel, I'm really sorry for what happened this morning. You mean so much to me. Love always, Finn_

Her eyes filled with tears as she placed the card back in the envelope, her fears from earlier washed away. Kurt was absolutely right; he just needed time to adjust. Taking a deep breath, she whirled around and headed for the kitchen. They still hadn't finished unpacking the kitchen, but she was determined to sift through the boxes and try and come up with an award-winning dinner for her man.

**Tell me what you think! I appreciate any and all reviews and story alerts.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I can't thank you all enough for the kind words regarding this story. I'm so happy to have a positive response and that most can see that I'm really not trying to paint Finn as a bad guy at all. He's actually my favorite character on the show. I'm just disappointed the writers chose not to delve a little deeper into his wound and how it affected him, both mentally and physically. This is my chance to do that. Enjoy…**

_Know that when you leave,_

_Know that when you leave,_

_By blood and by me, you walk like a thief,_

_By blood and by me, and I fall when you leave._

"Would you like to talk about it?"

Finn blinked several times, his eyes focusing on a small spot in the corner of the ceiling. He wasn't sure if it was just dirt or maybe a spider. He was tired. Both of his legs ached from therapy and his head was starting to throb. Dr. Walters wasn't making it any better. He had a tendency to end each sentence with a question and that irritated Finn.

"Not sure what there is to talk about." Finn let out a long, exaggerated sigh.

"You brought up the fact that you had a disagreement with Rachel. Judging by your tone, I take it this was out of the ordinary?"

"She kicked me. I yelled. That was it." Finn shrugged his shoulders. From the corner of his eye he could see Dr. Walters scribble something on his large notepad. Finn wondered what he was writing down. _Loser_. _Weak_. _Fucked up_. Those were some of the words that swirled in his head.

"She kicked you?" Dr. Walters stopped writing; glancing up at Finn above his wire-rimmed glasses.

"It was an accident." He wasn't about to tell his doctor anything that had happened prior to that. Some topics were off limits and his sex life was one of them.

"It was an accident?" The doctor repeated, looking back down to his notepad.

"Yes." He was growing tired of this banter.

"And what exactly happened after she kicked you?" Dr. Walters asked, pausing again to look at Finn.

"I screamed at her." Finn lowered his head, ashamed for having to admit that. He stared at the faded flowered pattern on the couch that he was sitting on.

"How exactly did you feel after you yelled at her?"

"I felt like shit, of course, but I was still so angry I just walked away." Finn said, his voice exasperated.

"How did Rachel react?" Dr. Walters asked.

Finn shook his head, not wanting to answer the question. He could remember the mask of hurt and confusion on Rachel's face after he screamed at her. She had fumbled to try and help him with his clothes and he had simply snatched them away, dismissing her in anger. He sent flowers, which seemed to alleviate the situation. Rachel seemed pleased and seemed to have forgotten about the hurtful way he reacted, but Finn had not.

"So you don't want to talk about it?"

Finn shook his head again. He wondered when this doctor would get it through his thick head that when he was silent that meant he didn't wish to talk about the subject at hand.

"Finn, would you object if I prescribed you an additional medication to take?" Dr. Walters began scribbling on a smaller pad. When Finn didn't respond, he ripped a piece of paper from the small pad, handing it to Finn slowly. Finn read the paper silently, struggling to read the man's handwriting.

"I think this will help ease the anxiety, maybe lift your mood a bit." Dr. Walter's smiled softly.

Finn stuffed the paper into his pocket with the other prescription he had gotten earlier from his orthopedic doctor. He'd get them filled while Rachel was in class the next day.

"Jotting down your feelings in a journal is also something I recommend." Dr. Walter reached behind his chair, pulling a small blue spiral notebook from his desk. He handed it to Finn.

"You want me to write in this?" Finn asked, turning the notebook over in his hands.

"I really think it might help you." The doctor nodded his head. "Often times writing down what's going on in our minds is very therapeutic in itself."

"I'm not good at writing." Finn huffed.

"Just give it a try. You might be surprised." Dr. Walter's smiled. "I'll see you next week"

The doctor stood, extending his hand as he did at the end of every session. Finn shook his hand limply, trudging out of his office with the blue notebook in hand. He didn't feel like writing down his feelings. In fact most days he didn't even feel like talking about them. But the doctor pushed and prodded him. He had only been seeing him a few weeks and he already felt like Dr. Walters knew more about him than Rachel did and that didn't sit well with Finn. He wasn't exactly fond of strangers knowing his business and this was no exception.

By the time Finn finally made it back the apartment, it was nearly dark. He and Rachel were supposed to meet Kurt and Santana for dinner at some new restaurant he couldn't even pronounce. Rachel was dressed and waiting for him at the door, tapping her foot impatiently as he walked through the door.

"Give me a minute to change." Finn began shedding his shirt as he raced to the bedroom. Looking around he could tell Rachel had unpacked a few boxes while he was gone, most of the items lying neatly folded on the one lone dresser they owned. He rifled through the pile, trying desperately to find a decent shirt to wear.

"Some of your good shirts are in the closet." Rachel called out to him.

He flung open the closet, quickly grabbing a blue striped polo and a pair of khakis. He dressed hastily, leaving his previously worn clothes and the blue notebook in a pile near the closet and making a brief stop in the bathroom to put on more deodorant and run a brush through his hair. He figured that was as presentable as he was going to get.

"You clean up nice, Mr. Hudson." Rachel smiled, leaning up on her tiptoes to fold his collar down. He immediately wrapped his left arm around her waist, pulling her closer, brushing his face against her hair.

"And you smell amazing Miss Berry." He whispered seductively, placing a kiss on her cheek. "Maybe we should skip dinner."

"That would be rude." Rachel giggled. "Our friends are expecting us." She backed away from him, taking his hand and pulling him towards the door.

"Well, we're not staying for dessert then." Finn closed the door behind them. Rachel hurried down the stairs ahead of him. She waited at the bottom as he slowly took one step at a time. He stopped just short of the last step.

"Agreed." She winked, planting a hard kiss on his lips.

"What's the name of this place again?" He asked as he followed her out the main door to their building.

"Sous la Lune." Rachel replied in an exaggerated French accent. She knew Finn wasn't fond of trying new places.

"Ugh…French." Finn snarled his lip up.

"Just give a try." Rachel took his hand in hers as they walked down the sidewalk, the streetlights illuminating their path.

_She's beginning to sound like my therapist_, Finn cringed at the thought.

**Well? Tell me what you think.**


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm terribly sorry for the delay in posting this next chapter; the last several weeks have been chaotic in my house. I feel like I can't thank you all enough for reading this story.** **And for following Rachel and Finn on this journey. Enjoy!**

_So tell me when you hear my heart stop_

_You're the only one that knows_

_Tell me when you hear my silence_

_There's a possibility I wouldn't know_

Finn swallowed the pill, feeling it glide down his throat slowly. He shoved the bottle back in the medicine cabinet before limping out to the living room. It was the fourth pill he had taken that day, but he was desperate for relief. The weather was gloomy, which always seemed to bring about more aches and pains in his leg.

He eased his body onto the futon, using one of the two decorative pillows to prop his left leg up on their makeshift coffee table, which in truth was just an old trunk Rachel had brought with her from Ohio. He flipped on the television, hoping to find an action movie to numb his mind and make him forget about the pain. He wished he still had his Xbox. Playing Halo had always seemed to make him forget about things in the past.

He stared at the blue notebook next to him. Flipping it open, he stared at the blank page. He picked up the pen lying next to it, clicking it open. _Write dammit_, he cursed under his breath. Nothing. His thoughts were empty. The only thing that was consuming him at the moment was the dull ache in his thigh.

_This is stupid_, he thought. No one keeps diaries anymore, not even any of the women he knew. What could writing down his thoughts do for him? Leaning his head back, he squeezed his eyes shut for a few seconds. It was then that the idea hit him. Maybe he would just jot down words. Perhaps Dr. Walters only really wanted words on paper, not necessarily a strung together thought. Finn picked up the notebook, angling it on his upper leg, before bringing the pen to the paper.

_Pain. Helpless. Loser. Ashamed. _

The click of the lock and door knob turning made him drop the pen. He quickly scrambled, closing the notebook and shoving it behind him, tossing the pen on the trunk. Rachel appeared in the doorway, a bouquet of flowers in one hand, a bottle of wine in the other.

"Kurt sends his love." Rachel shook both the items in her hand, kicking the door shut behind her quickly.

"Flowers and wine?" Finn laughed.

"Well you know Kurt. He said he couldn't afford a Savoy House, so this was the next best thing." Rachel called out from the kitchen. She rummaged through two cabinets before finally finding a glass that could double as a vase, afterwards grabbing a wine opener from the counter.

"What the hell is a Savoy House?" Finn wrinkled his nose as Rachel joined him on the futon. She had the bottle of wine and opener tucked under one arm and a wine glass in both of her hands. She sat the glasses on the trunk then passed the opener and bottle to Finn. The loud pop of the wine opening made her jump slightly. She snuggled closer to Finn as he poured wine in both of the glasses.

"An extremely expensive chandelier that your brother one day hopes to afford." She grinned, picking up her glass and raised it to his. Finn tapped his glass to hers, downing the entire contents much too quickly. His head was swimming as he poured himself another glass. Wine wasn't usually his drink of choice, but it would have to do tonight. He could feel the pain fading away with each sip he took.

"How was class?" Finn didn't seem to notice his speech was beginning to slow.

"Wonderful, voice _is_ always my favorite." Rachel smiled before taking a sip of her wine. "Oh, but the best news of the day is Professor Bastion announced that the spring recital will be Black Swan."

"Isn't that the one with the crazy ballet chick? They're turning that into a play?" Finn leaned his head back, staring up at the ceiling. His head was starting to spin, but that hadn't stopped him from pouring a third glass of wine a few seconds earlier.

Rachel disregarded his comment, instead reaching for the remote next to Finn and flipping through the channels.

"Of course I want to audition for Nina." She beamed, prattling off the reasons why she thought she would be perfect for the role. Finn's eyes were heavy; he blinked them hard several times in a failed attempt to keep them open. He drifted off for a bit before the ringing of a cell phone woke him. It was Rachel's; even half asleep he would recognize that ringtone anywhere. She was no longer sitting next to him, but standing in the doorway to their small kitchen. Blinking the sleep from his eyes, Finn placed his empty glass beside him and pushed himself up on the couch, gently taking his foot from the trunk. His leg was now stiffer than before. He bent his leg a few times before pushing himself up off the futon.

"Santana wants to know if we want to meet her at Zinc?" Rachel covered the end of her cellphone, calling over her shoulder. Finn hobbled towards the bathroom, his gait a bit off as held his hand out to balance himself on the wall. His leg was once again throbbing. He ignored Rachel as she asked him again, instead shutting the door behind him. A quick look in the mirror revealed bloodshot eyes and disheveled hair. He looked like hell. Opening up the medicine cabinet, he reached for the bottle of pain pills. He shook out two, closing the bottle and returning it to the cabinet. Turning on the faucet, he ran the water for a few seconds while he studied his reflection in the mirror again. This time he noticed the dark circles that consumed the skin around his eyes.

Rachel knocked on the door softly, waiting patiently for a response from Finn. When she didn't get one, she knocked again, a little louder.

"Is everything ok?" She asked. "You never answered me."

Silence filled the air. Rachel nervously picked at her fingernail as she strained to hear something…anything from the other side of the door.

"I think we should go. You've barely left the apartment all week. I think some fresh air will do you good." Rachel leaned against the bathroom door as she spoke, knowing Finn could hear her, but was choosing to ignore her. In a split second, the bathroom door flung open, causing Rachel to lose her balance slightly. She braced herself in the doorway, standing up straight as she stepped backwards into the hall.

"I don't feel like going." Finn said sternly, moving past her and making his way towards their bedroom. She immediately followed him.

"Why not?" She pleaded. Stopping short of the bedroom doorway, Rachel watched Finn fall back on the bed, throwing his right arm over is eyes in an exaggerated manner. His legs dangled from the end of the bed.

"I said I don't want to go." His voice grew sterner as she stalked to the bed and sat next to him.

"You can't stay holed up in this apartment all of time. You go to both of your therapies and that's pretty much it."

"I went looking for a job the other day, just like you wanted." He spat, putting great emphasis on the last few words. She ignored the stinging of his last comment.

"Don't you want to spend some time with our friends? You already blew off lunch with Kurt and me today?"

"How about you go spend some time with our friends? I'm perfectly content right here." He was almost yelling as he spoke.

"Fine, I will." Rachel sighed. "Have fun being alone, Finn."

Rachel stomped out of the room, grabbing her purse from the living room and slamming the door behind her as hard as she could when she left the apartment. Tears were stinging her face as she reached the bottom of the steps. Stopping for a moment, she sucked in a breath, trying to stop herself from crying. He was impossible to get through to it seemed. For a brief moment, she second guessed their entire relationship; wondering if New York was really proving to be too much for him.

She pushed open the door to their small apartment building, feeling a breeze hit her in the face. It was then she decided she was going to enjoy her night without Finn Hudson.

**So here's my disclaimer…please don't hate Finn. I know that's easier said than done with the way he's been acting & it's not my intention to paint him in a bad light. But you all know why & Rachel doesn't. I promise you he isn't always like this (see Chapter 1 for that clue if you don't believe me), but it is a roller coaster. As always, I appreciate your support!**


	6. Chapter 6

**First off, I want to give a big warm welcome to all my new story followers! And a huge thanks you to those who take the time to write a little something in the review section. That means so much to me. I know I'm often times slow updating. I've written and rewritten this chapter a dozen times, trying to get it just right, but sometimes (as in this case) certain characters just sort of take over. Enjoy!**

"Here, I think you need this." Santana slid a shot glass filled with amber liquid over to Rachel who was seated next to her on a barstool. The brunette shook her head, instead sipping her glass of wine slowly.

"I just don't know what to do to get him out of this funk." Rachel sighed. Santana followed with her own exaggerated sigh, downing the contents of the shot in one quick gulp.

"Maybe you're putting too much pressure on him." Santana shrugged, raising her hand to signal the bartender over, ignoring the look of shock on Rachel's face. She waited until the bartender sat another shot glass in front of her before she turned to her friend.

"Look Berry, you can over bearing at times." She watched as Rachel furrowed her brows before speaking again. "And that's not a bad thing, even though I think Finn should be used to that after all these years."

Santana rolled her eyes before taking a partial sip of her shot. The liquid burned going down, but that didn't stop her from taking another sip. She wondered if she should just order the whole bottle at this point.

"So this is my fault?" Rachel contorted her face in equal part anger and shock.

"No, that's not what I meant." Santana took a deep breath before turning to look at her friend. "You've said yourself that New York was not Finn's cup of tea."

"Sometimes I think he pretends to like the city." Rachel nodded her head before taking another sip of wine. Her head was beginning to feel a bit woozy, which she knew meant no more wine for the night.

"Any _why_ do you think he does that?" Santana raised an eyebrow.

"Because he loves me." Rachel looked to Santana for approval.

"Uh huh." Santana spun around to grab her almost empty shot glass. "And?"

"And he knows how much I love it here"

"Exactly." The Latina tilted her head back and finished off the rest of her drink. "New York make _you_ happy, which in turn makes Finn happy."

"How is it you know so much about relationships, yet are still single?" Rachel kidded.

"This bitch is too fine to waste on just anyone." Santana pointed at herself. Rachel burst out laughing, knowing deep down Santana wasn't kidding.

"Hey look, they're setting up the stuff for karaoke." Rachel playfully slapped Santana on the arm.

"Oh no." Santana leaned away from her. "The last time you drug me up there, my night ended with us singing _Big Girl_, that ginger hitting on me and an enormous hangover the next day."

"Oh come on, that was so much fun." Rachel bounced on the barstool.

"No more karaoke for me, but knock yourself out." Santana gestured to the emcee who was calling for volunteers. Rachel raised her hand anxiously. Santana never could understand her and Kurt's love for karaoke.

Santana signaled the bartender for another drink, frowning when he didn't immediately bring her another shot. She watched as Rachel planted herself on a barstool in the middle of the stage, ballet flats dangling as she whispered to the emcee. The emcee fiddled with the machine for a few seconds before a slow, melancholy tune erupted from the speakers.

"Oh God." Santana picked up the drink the bartender had just placed in front of her and swallowed it in one quick motion.

_You and I walk a fragile line_

_I have known it all this time_

_But I never thought I'd live to see it break_

"Couldn't get her to choose an upbeat song?" The voice startled Santana as she looked to her right. Finn was just inches from her, leaning against the bar while staring ahead to the stage. God, he loved to hear Rachel sing and tonight was no exception.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were at home brooding." Santana smirked.

_It's getting all too quiet_

_And I can't trust anything now_

_And it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake_

"She was right." He drew his mouth into a tight line, never taking his eyes off the stage or Rachel. "I needed to get out of the apartment."

"Well don't tell her that, it will only go to her head." Santana laughed, watching Rachel cross her legs, bobbing her right foot to the music.

"Is she still mad at me?" Rachel caught Finn's eye, smiling weakly.

_Come on, come on don't leave me like this_

_I thought I had you figured out_

_Something's gone terribly wrong_

_You're all I wanted_

"Nothing a little wine didn't clear up." She laughed, looking at Finn, who refused to break his stare. He obviously didn't get her sense of humor. "She's not sure what your deal is."

"What do you mean 'my deal'?" Finn asked.

_Come on, come on don't leave me like this_

_I thought I had you figured out_

_Can't breathe whenever you're gone_

_Can't turn back now, I'm haunted_

A shiver ran up Finn's back as he listened to Rachel sing, not just from her voice, but the words. They practically sliced through his skin.

"She thinks you hate New York and that you don't want to be here." Santana sighed.

"Well she's wrong." Finn turned to face Santana, picking up a stray drink stirrer a previous patron had left on the bar and twirling it in his left hand.

"Is she?" Santana raised an eyebrow before picking up her empty shot glass. Oh how she wished it was full right now.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Finn scowled.

_Oh I'm holding my breath_

_Won't see you again_

_Something keeps me holding on to nothing _

"Nothing Lurch, sometimes I just like playing devil's advocate." Santana hopped off the stool. She rifled through her clutch for some money, throwing several dollars on the bar. Finn grabbed her arm before she could whisk past him.

"I love her, you know." He stared straight into her eyes. He wasn't quite sure what he was trying to prove to Santana.

"I never said you didn't." Santana raised an eyebrow, wriggling free from his grasp. "But I'm not the one you should be professing this too."

She nodded her head towards the stage before disappearing through a crowd of people gathered near the bar. Finn hung his head as he listened to Rachel finish singing. A roar of applause shot through the bar, followed by some cat calls and a few whistles. Rachel made her way over to Finn, looking around in vain for Santana.

"Santana left?" She asked, waving the bartender over.

Finn ignored her question, instead pulling her close, pressing a firm kiss to her mouth. He could feel her suck in a quick breath as she reciprocated. He pressed harder, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist as if he were afraid to let her go. A dull pain shot through his thigh, but he ignored it. The first time in weeks he hadn't immediately reached for a pill.

"I love you." He said, breathlessly as he slowly released his hold on Rachel.

**Sorry if that was heavy on Santana…somehow she found that she needed to be a big part of this chapter. And the tug of war Rachel and Finn are playing in their relationship is never more evident, but all for different reasons. As you can tell, I gave up using the song at the beginning of the chapter…it was Possibility by Lykke Li. Google it if you've never heard it, so good. The song that Santana mentions is Big Girl (You are Beautiful) by Mika. Also, the song Rachel sang was Haunted (the acoustic version) by Taylor Swift. **


	7. Chapter 7

**To all my faithful reviewers, thank you so much…you know who you are **** I don't own the characters, just the story idea, but thanks to Ryan Murphy & Co. for creating such wonderful people to write about. Enjoy!**

Finn fiddled with the zipper on his jacket, his right knee bouncing in anticipation. Dr. Walters was running late and Finn was tired of waiting. He looked around the room again, several degrees and certificates lining the wall. There were several pictures of what appeared to be Dr. Walters on a bicycle as well. Finn guessed he was a cyclist. Most of their conversations were one sided, usually Dr. Walters prodding Finn to open up or discuss his feelings, so he really didn't know much about the man.

Other than he always smelled like mint and was extremely punctual, minus today. Finn glanced at the clock on the wall. The doctor was now eighteen minutes late. He had promised Rachel he would meet her for lunch and now he worried he wouldn't get through with his appointment in time.

"I apologize for being late, Finn. I had a meeting that ran late." Dr. Walters sounded out of breath as he entered the room, shutting the door firmly behind him.

"It's ok." Finn shrugged, sliding the blue notebook from under his leg. He felt like a child reluctantly handing over a bad report card to his parents.

Dr. Walters grabbed a folder from his desk, putting his glasses on as he opened it. Without looking up, he reached for the blue notebook, taking a seat across from Finn. They both sat in silence as Dr. Walters opened the notebook, running his fingers along the words Finn had written earlier in the week.

_The damage was permanent; there would always be scars. But even the angriest scars faded over time until it was difficult to see them written on the skin at all, and the only thing that remained was the memory of how painful it had been._

Finn cleared his throat, waiting patiently for Dr. Walters to say something…anything. The doctor scribbled something in Finn's chart then looked up at Finn, peering over his glasses.

"This is pretty powerful, Finn." Dr. Walters finally spoke.

"Yeah, um, I didn't think of it." Finn confessed. "I found it in one of Rachel's books and well, it seemed fitting."

"And how about these words?" Dr. Walters flipped back a page, revealing the angry words Finn had first written in his notebook. "Pain. Helpless. Loser. Ashamed. Are those all things you are feeling right now?"

Finn cursed himself for not ripping that page out. Sure he was forced to see the therapist, but he didn't really want the guy knowing how he really felt. It was taxing enough to play this little game with him every week.

"Sometimes." He couldn't believe that just came out of his mouth. His mind screamed no, but his mouth didn't seem to be cooperating.

"Have you tried any of the tips I gave you a few weeks ago?"

Finn grunted, shaking his head. No way in hell was he going to meditate or be caught dead in a downward dog pose or try pilates, whatever the hell that was. Surely Dr. Walters could've thought of some more manly options for him.

"I really think you should give them a try." The doctor arched his eyebrows. "I wouldn't recommend it if I didn't think it would help."

"I'll think about it." Finn grumbled.

"How about the prescription I gave you last week? Do you feel like it's helping?" Dr. Walters was busy writing something in Finn's folder.

"I guess." Finn swallowed, a lump forming in his throat. He stared down at the floor, hoping the doctor didn't see through his blatant lie. He had gotten the medicine filled, but hadn't touched a single pill, instead begging his orthopedic doctor for more pain medicine, who had reluctantly agreed, but warned Finn he wouldn't do it again. In desperation, Finn had accepted the terms.

"How are things with Rachel?" Dr. Walters stopped writing, glancing up at Finn.

"They're fine. We're fine." Finn muttered, glancing up at the clock on the wall again. He was now officially late meeting Rachel for lunch. His cell phone was tucked away in his jacket pocket, on silent, but no doubt he would have several missed calls from her.

"Finn, I think maybe it's a good idea if you attend these meetings." Dr. Walters pulled a small brochure from inside Finn's folder and handed it to him. Finn read the cover, wrinkling his nose.

"I'm not saying I'm officially diagnosing you with PTSD." Dr. Walters interjected. Finn's shoulders sagged in relief as the doctor continued to speak. "I just think it maybe it would be a good idea to attend one or two of these."

Finn ignored the doctor, knowing his time was up. He stood, reaching into his jacket pocket for his phone. It had been on silent, but he could immediately see he missed eight calls from Rachel when he looked at the screen.

"I'll see you next week, Finn." Dr. Walter stood, slapping Finn on the shoulder lightly. "Think about what I said about those meetings. I think it will help you."

Finn nodded, rushing out of the office, cell phone to his ear. He waited through four rings before Rachel's voicemail picked up. He didn't bother leaving a message; he already knew she'd be mad. He stopped briefly at the water fountain just inside a set of large glass doors that separated him from the rest of New York. Digging in his pants pocket, he fished out three pills. His head was aching and his thigh was beginning to throb. He popped the pills into his mouth, washing them down with the cold water from the fountain.

Pushing open the glass doors, Finn squinted as the sun streaked through a few clouds dotting the sky. He waved his arm as a taxi slowed in front of him. He spewed off the address he had finally memorized, laying his head back on the seat as the driver dipped and darted through early afternoon traffic.

The pain in his head and leg was finally starting to subside when the taxi pulled up in front of his and Rachel's apartment. He paid the driver and bounded up the stairs as fast as his bad leg would take him. Finn was barely in the door when Rachel appeared in front of him, peppering him with more words than he could keep up with.

"Where have you been? I tried to call you. I texted you. You didn't call me back. We were supposed to have lunch." She barely took a breath between words.

"I was hung up at…" Finn was interrupted by Rachel, her hands flailing as she spoke.

"Well I didn't know they were coming. You didn't say anything about it. I'm not prepared."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Finn raised his voice hoping to cut Rachel off from her insistent blabbering.

"Finn, that's no way to greet your mother." A voice countered back at him.

Finn looked up to see his mother ease into the room from the kitchen, his step father following closely behind. Rachel turned to face Carole, a smile planted firmly on her face, her lips no longer moving.

**The quote in Finn's notebook is from Jodi Picoult, if you haven't read any of her books, I encourage you to…good stuff! Also, I just want to say my thoughts are with Cory as he deals with this struggle in his life. He's an amazing person and will come back a stronger person, I'm sure of it. I had no idea going into this story how it would sort of cross-over into real life. That doesn't make me less sad that this may or may not affect Finn's storyline for the finale. Let's all stay positive though!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Special thanks to my regular reviewers. I appreciate all of your comments. And a warm welcome to all my new readers. I've been super busy at work, so my apology for the delay, plus it's really hard to write during a hiatus. As usual, I don't own the characters, just the story idea. Enjoy!**

"We weren't expecting to be out here until next month, but Burt has a meeting with Senator Schumer tomorrow." Carole smiled before putting a fork full of salad in her mouth.

"Well it's a pleasant surprise." Rachel raised her eyebrows in Finn's direction. He seemed oblivious to the conversation, instead twirling the lettuce on his plate with a fork. She could tell that Finn was less than thrilled with his parent's surprise visit and subsequent dinner invitation.

"How are your classes coming along, Rachel?" Carole asked, taking a quick sip of her water.

"Great." Rachel cut her eyes to Finn, watching him play with his salad. She adverted her eyes back to Carole, smiling broadly as she did. "I'm planning on auditioning for the role of Nina in Black Swan for our spring recital."

"Fantastic." Carole smiled. Her gaze fell on Finn, who was now twisting the cloth napkin in his lap. "How about you, son? How are the job prospects coming along?"

"Great. Fantastic. Couldn't be better." Finn mumbled. He set the napkin on the table, pushing his almost empty salad plate forward a bit.

"So you've got something lined up?" Carole's eyes lit up in anticipation. Finn's right leg shook nervously as he exhaled loudly. Rachel furrowed her brows as she watched him lean back slightly in his chair.

"Well, I talked to this guy." Finn's voice dropped a few octaves as he spoke. "It's just a music store and only part time…"

"It's a great opportunity for growth." Rachel blurted out, her teeth grinding together as she forced a smile. It was a lie. There was no music store, there was no guy, and there wasn't even a job. She watched Finn from the corner of her eye as his shoulders fell, his eyes darting to the floor. Rachel felt nauseous. She had never out right lied to Carole before.

"A music store?" Burt shook his head slowly. "Do you really think that's an advisable career path, Finn?"

Finn felt his mother and step father's eyes boring through him as they waited for a response. He didn't know what to say. He didn't want to admit to them that finding a job in the vast areas of New York City was harder than it seemed. His mother had not been overly excited about the thought of him moving to the city to begin with, sans a college education. She had warned him that finding a job with no experience, no education and an injury would prove to be tough. Turns out she was right.

"I'm a hard worker and there is potential to move up to management." Finn swallowed the large lump that had formed in his throat.

"I guess so when you have a bunch of sixteen year olds working there." Burt scoffed. Carole patted his arm, shushing him quietly.

"Have you given any thought to taking some classes?" Carole asked, a look of worry painted across her face.

"Sure, but how is that going to support Rachel and I? It's bad enough her fathers are paying for our apartment. How do you think that makes me feel?" Finn hadn't noticed his voice had risen and other patrons were starting to stare.

"You know they don't mind helping us while I'm in school." Rachel whispered to Finn. Finn ignored the fact that she was trying to be tactful, instead pushing his chair away from the table loudly.

"Well maybe _I_ mind." Rachel shuddered as the words came from his mouth. Out of the corner of her eye she could see several people looking towards their table. Carole's mouth dropped open ever so slightly as she watched Finn stand up. He took a quick sip of water, swishing it carefully in his mouth without swallowing and stalked towards the exit.

Rachel quickly wiped her mouth with her napkin, apologizing profusely to Burt and Carole before following Finn out of the restaurant. She was too far behind to see him slip three white pills, followed by a green pill in between his clenched lips and swallow the water he had in his mouth.

"You wanna tell me what's going on?" Rachel let the restaurant door close slowly behind her, taking cautious steps as she approached Finn. He was leaning against the building, his head touching the cool bricks.

"Sorry." He lifted his head, squinting his eyes as he looked at her.

"You just lied to your parents." Rachel's face was expressionless. "_I_ even lied to them."

"I'm tired of them being disappointed in me." Finn frowned. Rachel moved even closer to him, linking her right arm through his left.

"They're not disappointed in you. They just want the best for you, like all parents do." Rachel said.

"You heard Burt." Finn sighed. "I'm not successful and driven like Kurt. I'm not as ambitious as you. Face it Rach, I'm a failure."

"Finn Hudson!" Rachel scolded. "I don't want to ever hear you say that again. You are not a failure."

Rachel leaned her head against his arm, watching closely as a young family exited the restaurant. A small tow-headed boy giggled loudly as he skipped down the sidewalk. His mother scolded him, reminding him to walk as she took her husband's hand. Rachel smiled as her gaze followed them hand in hand.

"You're the strongest man I know." Turning to him, she planted a firm kiss on his lips. Her lips lingered on his as a smile crept across his mouth.

"You really know how to boost a guy's ego." Finn laughed.

"Yeah, well now you need to go back in and apologize to your parents." She could see Finn's smile fading. "And maybe even to all the other people in the restaurant too."

Rachel slowly released her hold on Finn, but he pulled her back in quickly. His eyes searched her face before looking deep into her eyes.

"Thank you." He gave her a half-crooked smile.

"For what?" Her cheeks began to turn a rosy pink color and she wasn't even sure why.

"For being the greatest girlfriend ever." He leaned forward, kissing her on her forehead. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

Finn let go of her, limping just slightly as he walked toward the door of the restaurant. He opened the door and waited for Rachel to enter first. She took his hand as she walked inside, guiding him back to the table where Burt and Carole still sat.

**I know, I know…poor Finn**. **So much is going wrong for him, but cheer up, some good stuff will happen too. I promise! **


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